This week one of my teachers began apologizing to me profusely. I was really confused but as she explained I quickly understood. I had emailed her asking to be excused while I had a doctor's appointment during class that week. Then a few days later I ran into her and told her more about our struggle. (She teaches my class on gender differences so she was very understanding of women's struggle with this). She made the comment "there are so many options and other ways to have kids."
Her apology was for that comment because she knows that's not what someone wants to hear. I was very appreciative of her apology and I assured her that I hadn't thought much of it, I'm pretty used to those comments.
So many people come to you with sweet comments filled with good intentions but unless you've been in that boat you really don't understand what it feels like. Don't get me wrong, we appreciate the love and support but here are 10 things you should think, not say.
- Just keep trying! Thanks, that probably is the answer. "I bet it will happen so soon." While that might be true, it doesn't change the fact that I'm having problems.
- Are you doing it right? Not that my sex life is any of your business, but yes. We're pretty dang good at that and I don't think I need any tips. If some dumb teenager can figure it out, I'm sure we're alright.
- You can ADOPT. Yes, yes I can, but right now that's not what I want to think about. I'm still hoping and praying that I'll be able to MAKE my child. I want to have a child with my husband's smile and his sense of humor and our height.
- Stress will make it worse. Just relax. Wow! You saying that made me calm down and now I'm not even thinking about it! Every day is a stress, every month is a stress and every test is a stress.
- You haven't even been trying THAT long. I have a friend/sister/etc. that tried for 4/6/10 years. I don't care how long any one else tried. The fact that I'm struggling is enough for me and my doctor. I love the success stories about others, it's a huge comfort but don't minimize my struggle because it's not as long as someone else.
- You're so young. You have plenty of time! I am young but everyone with fertility problems was young at one time. My age doesn't make a difference. I want to have babies and that's what matters. I'm trying now. If fact, having trouble when you're young is even more cause for concern because you should have less negative health factors.
- Is it you or him? Once again, none of your business. I hate this questions because it feels like it's putting blame. It's us! Having a child takes a team and it's not me or him, it's US!
- Be glad you don't have kids for a while! Really?!? I'm working so hard to have a kid and I will cherish those moments because I've had to fight for my kids. Don't complain about how much you hate having kids to someone who is putting their body through hell to have one. It makes us mad and you look really ungrateful!
- You already have one! Just stop. Secondary infertility is just as hard! For some women, having another is so important and not having a 2nd changes their dream, their idea of perfect and that's hard.
- Have you tried this or this or this? Chances are, we're talking about it, exploring it, doing it, etc. so unless you have some seriously awesome experience or your a medical professional or want to contribute to the costs, we got it.